#5 Year two- Post Delivery- Part 1 (March 2003)

               This has been a hard post to write, these memories bring up a lot of emotion and pain.  As I was writing I had a really hard time remembering exactly what happened because I have hidden these memories deep in the depths of my mind.  Three years after this experience, I was asked to speak and answer questions about my pregnancy and delivery in a Child Developement Class at BYU-Idaho.  I was totally shocked by what happened.  I stood at the front of the class with two other women who were also there to share their experiences.  As we took turns answering each question, I was blown away at how different their experiences were compared to mine.  Their responses were everything I had expected my delivery and the days following to be.
               I was horrified at the physical and emotional reaction I had at that moment.  I completely broke down in front of the whole class and I couldn't get control over my emotions.  I am a cryer by nature, but this was something entirely different.  It felt like I had never properly dealt with the trauma that myself and my baby boy had experienced and in that moment it all boiled up to the surface.  It took me a few days before I could get myself together.  It's amazing what the human mind does to protect us from painful memories, but sometimes its too much to cope with and we are forced to deal with our pain.  I know what that feels like all too well as I have struggled to maintain some sense of normalcy while living with a life shattering illness.
              The days described in the next few posts were some of the hardest days of my life.  As I wrote this, I wondered if it was too personal to share and I'm still not sure about that...But as the tears fell in remembering this devastating time, I was filled with a hope and peace so strong and comforting. I've been through some really hard things and just as I survived them and came out stronger, I can and will survive what I'm dealing with in my life today.  I've also felt such love and gratitude for my three little boys while writing this post.  They are living proof that miracles happen and because they are here, I know there is always hope.

               Towards the end of the delivery, a team of nurses from the neonatal intensive care unit came into my room to be ready to help Kaden in case his lungs weren't fully developed.  The instant he came into this world, he was surrounded by medical personnel in a blur of movement.  I looked on in panic and shock as they examined him and cared for him.  Matt finally brought him to me and I got to hold him for an instant before they took him from me.  They explained that he had passed the APGAR test with flying colors, but they were still taking him down to the NICU for a few hours to moniter him, just to be safe.  I wish I could have been in a better place to appreciate my time with him more at that time, I was in shock and so confused about what was happening around me.  I was so scared and disoriented.
               During the short time that I held Kaden, I gazed at his tiny little face, he was bruised and broken from the traumatic delivery.  His nose was smashed to one side and a dark purple bruise had appeared in between his eyes and up his forehead.  It was all a blur, it felt like a dream that I couldn't wrap my head around.  I couldn't understand why my baby looked like this (these are the feelings I felt at that moment in my state of shock...he was still the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen).  He weighed 5 lbs 15 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long, he had a head full of dark hair.  He was very alert and bright eyed and I'll never forget how he looked up at me.  I noticed that with each breath, his little chest pulled in a little bit right in between his ribs.  The doctor thought his lungs were a little premature, a steroid shot is usually used to help speed up the growth process and he would be fine in no time.  They took him at around 1:00 AM and told me they would bring him back in a few hours.
               After they took him, the doctor stitched me up and showed me the placenta.  I'll never forget it.... It looked like a huge, thick piece of steak with a huge tear starting at the edge and going to the middle.  So that is what a placenta abruption looks like. That's what started all this trouble. I still have no idea how or why it happened.  I was told it usually happens to drug addicts...I didn't understand why it had happened to me. They finally got me to a new room and I tried to sleep.  I don't remember exactly the order or times that things happened, but at some point Matt was able to go down with our families and see Kaden.  I was so out of it.  Every hour or so, a nurse came in to check my vitals so I didn't have a lot of luck with sleeping.  I had lost a lot of blood and my low blood pressure was being closely monitered.
               As the night went on and the shock began to wear off, I became more and more aware that my baby was still not there.  When I would ask, I was told he was fine, I needed to rest, and they would bring him up in a couple of hours.  By morning, I was really starting to worry.  Matt called the NICU down stairs to see what was going on.  They said it would be a few more hours.  I couldn't walk yet, I wanted so badly to get to him.  Finally Matt took me down in a wheel chair.  The NICU is in the basement level and I was up several floors. It seemed like it took forever to get there.  When we got there I think he was only on oxygen at that time, but I don't remember a lot of details, I think it's too difficult to remember stuff like this.  All I remember is that I couldn't hold him and I couldn't take him with me.  I still felt so lost and didn't understand what was happening.  At one point I remember examining myself in the mirror.  I was mortified at what I saw, there were broken blood vessels and bruises surrounding my eyes.  My face seemed hollow and pale. I just didn't look right. This wasn't the same girl I had seen looking back at me couple of days earlier.
               I don't remember when we first found out that Kaden was in more trouble than they had originally thought.  I do know that they took him down immediately after he came into the world and began treating him for premature lungs.  What they didn't realize at the time is that he had a much more serious problem brewing.  It turns out premature lungs were never the problem.  As Kaden was coming into this world he had taken his first breath a little too early and some amniotic fluid got into his lungs.  This is a pretty common occurrence and can usually be resolved within a few days, but in Kaden's case, the doctors didn't realize it had happened at all until it was too late. Pneumonia had taken over his tiny lungs and put his life in serious jeopardy.
               I was in the hospital for a few days.  I spent as much time as I could with Kaden, at that point he was hooked up to some machines and we couldn't hold him at all, but we still didn't know exactly how bad the situation would get.  As the time came for me to get discharged from the hospital, we were shocked that Kaden wasn't coming home with us.  We were given the opportunity to stay at the Ronald McDonald house in order to remain close to Kaden.  One thing I remember happening the first couple of days was pumping colostrum.  I wanted to nurse my baby when the time came so I had to pump so that my milk would come in.  The colostrum and eventually the milk would be frozen and given to Kaden as soon as he was well enough to have it.  I still remember the first time my milk came in.  It's a feeling I'll never forget because I was so sad that I didn't have my baby there.  It was in the middle of the night that first night at the Ronald McDonald house.  I was in pain and shocked because this was my first child and first experience with having my milk come in and all I could do was pump to relieve the pressure.  I longed to hold my baby close and comfort and nourish him.  We didn't know how long I would have to pump to maintain my milk supply for Kaden when the time came, but it seemed like forever, I just wanted to hold my baby so badly.
               During my difficult pregnancy, I was told to hang in there because the second the baby was delivered, I would feel better...The symptoms would go away.  Some of the symptoms did go away, but new ones came.  Ronald McDonald house was a difficult time, I was supposed to be resting, but I couldn't stand to be away from my baby so I was at the hospital most of the day, every day.  I was losing weight so quickly, within a couple of weeks I had not only lost my pregnancy weight but ten extra pounds.  I remember curling up into a ball on the bathroom floor one night because I was throwing up and experiencing significant abdominal pain.  Matt was working two jobs at that time so he would leave early in the morning and get home late at night.  He would come straight to the hospital to see Kaden for a couple of hours and then we would go to the Ronald Mcdonald house to sleep.  About a week after Kaden was born Matt got into a car wreck, thankfully no one was hurt, but we lost our second car so I had to take a shuttle to and from the hospital everyday.  It was a very difficult time, we were both just trying to survive.

               One day I remember vividly walking into Kaden's NICU room and feeling complete dispair and shock as I saw that his condition had taken a turn for the worst.  I'll continue from this point in the next blog.  It's so emotionally draining to think about these sad times so I'll take a break and continue with the story in a few days.  Thanks to everyone who's reading my story.  I love you and appreciate your love and support.  I hope as you read these things you'll be given strength to get through the difficult things in your own lives.