I had a rough day today. I wish I didn't have those, but I do. My rough days aren't days when i'm feeling very sick or having lots of pain, that's everyday. My bad days are days that I don't cope with my illness as well as I want to. They're days when I have a hard time understanding why I have to go through this and what I did to deserve this life of pain and suffering. I hate days like this. I feel guilty when I have these days because I feel like I should know better than to feel this way. I do know better, I know I have so much to be thankful for. I know I didn't do anything to bring this on myself. I know i'm a strong person and that I can handle whatever this illness throws at me. Even though I know these things, I still have bad days. I think these days are my mind's way of grieving.
Grief is a part of life and i've found that it's a big part of living with chronic illness. We feel grief as the result of a loss. I greive because I have lost my qaulity of life and I don't know if or when I will ever get it back. I feel sad because this isn't the life I always thought I would live. I even feel a little bit angry because I know this isn't fair. I feel powerless because I can't figure out a solution to this problem or how to fix it. I feel hopeless because I can't imagine feeling like this everyday for the rest of my life. I feel impatient because I think i've lived this way long enough to prove myself and yet the suffering continues. I feel guilty because my family has to deal with having a sick wife and mother. I want so much more for them. I hate days like this!
I know from experience that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow i'll be more positive. Tomorrow i'll have a renewed hope and faith that I will be better one day. Tomorrow i'll focus on the good things in my life and i'll know that I was put on this earth for a reason. I'll remember that my life is meaningful even though I can't do everything I used to do or what I want to do or even what I need to do. I'll understand that no one else could ever love my children or my husband the way I do and that I was meant to be with them, sick or not. I'll do my best to love them the best I can. I'll continue to figure out ways to make my suffering count and how to make the world a little bit better. I won't have another bad day tomorrow.
