The best part of our lives is our family. So last summer, we painstakingly decided that we would put our complete trust in God and move forward having hope, not doubt. Im not going to pretend that fear doesn't creep into the equation from time to time, ok everyday. Sometimes its shattering and concrete and so intense that I feel shaken to my core. Its hard to step into the darkness, not knowing when the light will come, but I know that it will come. The darkness will give its all to pull me in, but I will continue to seek the light. It's not easy, but I choose to believe that as dark as things get, they will not be that way forever. I truely believe that everything happens for a reason so when things get tough, although I struggle at times and want to know why these painful occurances happen. I know deep down that there is a reason for it that I dont know right now, but I will someday. Moving forward, knowing theres always a possibility that this pregnancy or my illness might take my life, I am at peace having the knowledge that there is a plan for each and everyone of us. We dont need to fear, as we make decisions and base our lifes on serving others and doing the very best we can, we can not fail and need not live with fear and regret. Things will work out the way they're supposed to. I know not everyone will agree with my beliefs, but I have come to know these things so strongly that I can't pretend that I don't.
When Matt and I found out we were expecting another baby, we were exstatic and terrified at the same time. My pregnancies are bound to be rough with the chance of normal pregnancy ailments on top of my already complicated condition, but there was always the chance that the pregnancy hormones might actually help with my autoimmune disease like it can with others. I was hoping for the best, but expecting that it could be extremely challenging. I wasnt expecting what actually happened.
I began my pregnancy as I began my three previous ones, with extreme morning sickness, overvelming nausea and vomiting. Not fun, but I had expected it. In October, at 12 weeks pregnant, I landed in the emergency room because of the intense pain from a kidney stone and to my dismay my blood pressure was 185/120. I cant descibe the intense worry and uncertainty I felt as the doctors had to give me medicine to bring down my blood pressure before something serious happened. All I could think about was my baby and how the medicine might effect him. My heart sank when the Dr explained that my blood pressure which was becoming more elevated because of the extreme kidney stone pain was more of a threat to myself and the baby than the medicine that had to be used to treat it. This was the first of many inpossible decisions that we would be faced with over the next six months.
In the months that followed I continued to pass kidney stones at an unbelievable rate. I had passed about twenty by the time Christmas arrived. Due to the pregnancy and my desire to protect my baby, I endured the horrible pain as much as possible with the only safe pain reliever in pregnancy, tylenol, but with some stones the pain was too agonizing to handle on my own and would cause my now treated blood pressure to rise so stronger pain management was required. I continued to pray that the baby would be protected from any harmful side effects. Though I was miserable and taking it one day at a time, I was able to pass the stones with minimal medical intervention, but on Christmas day that changed. The pain was indescribable, but I thought I could get through it. I drank as much water as I could hoping to push the stone through only to throw up again and again from the overwhelming nausea that that level of pain brings. After hours of waiting for the stone to move and the pain to let up, we had to leave our children and extended family to eat Christmas dinner and go to the hospital.
After we arrived and began to be treated, I was horrified to find that nothing could bring relief from the shattering pain I was feeling. I had a large stone obstructing my kidney, causing it to swell and develope a nasty kidney infection. Once again I was in a situation without an option that I wanted for the baby and I. Surgery to remove the stone and prevent the potential loss of my kidney. I struggled to accept that this was really happening and that I was actually going to get surgery in the middle of my pregnancy. All I could do is put my trust in God and have faith that he has a plan for me and my sweet baby and that everything would work out the way its supposed to. We got through the surgery and then the battle to get the infection treated began. Three weeks, three hospital stays, and fourteen days of IV antibiotics later, I finally started feeling some relief. Most joyous of all, the baby was still thriving and growing right on schedule.
Over the next months I continued to pass kidney stones, we're up to 43 as of today, the pain is constant and completely debilitating. I went on to develope gestational diabetes which added to the stressful situation, but I have adjusted and kept moving forward and actually found a lot of joy in my pregnancy. I am so grateful that I have been able to pass the remainder of the stones without obstruction or infection and that the baby has continued to thrive as if he is unaware of anything that has happened. He's my fourth miracle. I will be getting induced in two days and will finally have him in my arms, safe and sound. I cant put into words how trying this pregnancy has been, but I can say with complete certainty that I would do it all again to bring Daxon into the world and to learn the lessons I've learned. I can't wait to meet him. I know he's supposed to be a part of our family and I look forward to watching him grow and fulfill the tasks that God has placed him on the earth to accomplish. I feel blessed beyond measure that I could be a part of creating him and getting him here. He is another light in the darkness.
