On Monday, I knew I wasn't in good shape and I had to figure out how to get Kaden to his 3 day baseball tournament about a 1/2 hour from our home. He needed to be there at 1pm until 3:30pm and from 5pm to 7:30 pm. That doesn't seem too difficult, but unfortunately it's very difficult for me. I am too sick to drive most days now and if you can imagine chasing your three yr old around for 8 hrs in 95 degree weather while you have the flu and a cold and your muscles and joints hurt like you just worked out for the first time in years, that's a little piece of what it would mean for me to take my sweet little Logan to the baseball tournament.
I usually take all my boys to games, but they're usually only a couple of hours long and I can push through the symptoms for that long, but after time my body will completely crash. I'm constantly trying to figure out how to save some strength and energy to push myself longer. If I felt well enough to drive somewhere in the morning, chances are I wouldn't have the ability to drive home when the time came. If I had Logan with me without someone's help, I would be struggling to walk after a few hours because of the energy production needed to lift and chase him and possibly need at least half the following day to recover enough to function again. Depending on how hard I push myself sometimes I'm down and out for days. I have to choose my activities very carefully and pace myself to try to keep that from happening. It happens a lot though because I still want to keep up and do what normal people do.
I knew that I had to figure out how to get Kaden and myself to the tournament and I had to have help with Logan. Teagon is old enough to come with me or help out wherever Logan goes. I felt such sadness and emotional pain as I struggled with the reality of my situation. I really can't drive my son a half hour from our house? I can't take Logan out of the house for an extended period of time? The other problem was the high chance of thunder and lightning storms in the late afternoon. If someone dropped us off at 1 pm and a few hours later, it started pouring rain, we would be stranded, with no car until Matt arrived after 6 and we wouldn't have a way to leave in between games so we would be there the whole time out in the scorching sun. This was causing me a lot of concern and anxiety as I tried to figure out a solution.
I had to ask for help. It's not easy to give up control and ask for help with something that you feel you should be able to do when that ability has been taken from you. I can't express how grateful I am for my family and freinds that helped me to give my son this opportunity. It was tough for me to accept the reality that I had no control over the situation and couldn't do it alone no matter how bad I wanted to or thought I should be able to. I've gotten really good at putting on a smile and acting as normal as possible when these kinds of situations come up, but when I find myself alone for a few minutes, tears run down my face. I have lost the ability to function like I once did and it's getting worst. That's hard for a 31 yr old woman to deal with. It's natural to grieve over what we've lost and sometimes the tears just come, but we have to keep going, we have to choose to see what we still have. I know through the grace of God and kindness of others I'll get through it somehow and continue to experience lots of joy in this life that I've been given. Looking back, I'm amazed that we got through the baseball tournament and am so humbled at the love we've felt as people gave their time to help us.
There are many moments when we're just living life like everyone else does that I become so overwhelmed with gratitude that Kaden is here and that I get to have him in my life because there was a time when I wasn't sure if that would be the case. As the days went on, Kaden's health began to deteriorate. He went from just needing oxygen to completely depending on machines to keep him alive. One day, the nurse handed me a paper to sign. I was completely overwhelmed as I realized what it was. It was a consent form to allow Kaden to be given blood transfusions. As I read through the risks, I felt so much sadness, but there was no alternative. His blood had lost all the crucial properties needed to perform it's vital functions so it needed to be completely replaced. I am too sick to donate blood, but Matt goes in several times a year to donate because we will always remember what that gift meant in our fight for Kaden's precious life. A couple of weeks ago, Matt got a call from the blood bank to come in first thing in the morning to donate blood because a tiny baby was in need of Matt's blood type and specific markers found in Matt's blood that were crucial to the babies health issues. I felt such love for that little one and his family and was so grateful that we could help them in their time of need.
I sat with Kaden every single day. He was so sick that for a time I couldn't even touch him because his vitals were so unstable that any stimulation held was a serious risk. One day a nurse, sensing my deep sadness as I turned to leave for the night, took one of the small, white hospital rags from Kaden's side and told me I could keep it. It might not seem like a big deal, but this simple act of kindness meant so much to me. I snuggled that rag every night, in the beginning it even smelled like my sweet little boy and it was incredibly comforting to have a little part of him with me always. Kaden was in critical condition, he had to have one on one care 24 hours a day. The nurse was assigned to him for a twelve hour day shift and a twelve hour night shift, they stayed with him, alert and ready to act when needed to keep him with us. I am so grateful for the nurses who gave him such loving care. So often, one problem would improve and then three other problems would occur. I felt so discouraged as I would feel such hope one minute that his condition was improving only to find out something else had gone seriously wrong. I've never prayed so hard in my life as I did during that time.
As his condition continued to worsten, there was a time when the Dr. told me he didn't know if he was going to make it. I was so fearful that the time would soon come when the hospital would tell us it was time to turn off the machines. We asked the doctor if we could give him a blessing and Matt and his Dad were able to do that for him. Within a few days, Kaden's condition began to improve and we were finally able to hold him in the days ahead. I'll never forget how it felt to hold him close. I can't put into words what it meant to me the day I got to take him home, 20 days after he was born. He is an amazing, happy, healthy little boy. Looking at him now, you would never know what the first weeks of his life looked like. I am forever grateful for the silent strength that he exhibited during that time, I know that he came into this world with the knowledge that he would experience pain and suffering and fight for his life. I am forever changed by his courage and strength. He taught me early on that the way we deal with the hard times in our lives matters and can make a difference to those around us.
I feel such love and compassion for the families that don't get to take their babies home. I know that they are the strongest of us all to be given such a heart wrenching, shattering trial. I know that miracles happen, this is one of many that I have been blessed to witness, but as sure as miracles can and do happen, sometimes they don't happen because of reasons we don't understand at this time. God knows us individually and he loves us more than we could ever comprehend. In his infinite wisdom, he allows to go through hard things that are most definitely not fair. This happens not because of anything we've done wrong to bring it upon ourselves or because we don't pray enough or do enough good in life. It happens because of matters that we can't comprehend that only God comprehends. Bad things happen to good people, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. We don't need to fear when things don't go the way we want them to go. God is aware and constantly finding ways to bless us and help us along our way, no matter what life brings. All darkness will eventually give way to light if we choose to see the light and hold on to it with all our might.
No comments:
Post a Comment