So when we last left off I had just gotten diagnosed with mono. I was dealing with extreme fatigue and had just gotten over a killer sore throat with extremely painful pus pockets (definitely as fun as it sounds). My swollen glands had decreased in size just in time to get married! When I first told Matt that I had mono, I thought he might want to push back the wedding, but the only thing he had to say was, "I don't care if your sick, I just want to be with you." He has said these same words to me repeatedly over the years, I can't believe how unconditionally he loves me, he never complains, he never feels sorry for himself, he never shows any feelings of resentment towards me, he is truly amazing.
One of the struggles that chronic illness brings with it is guilt, heart breaking, all encompassing guilt. A deep rooted sadness that constantly screams in my head that Matt and my sweet little boys deserve better, they deserve a healthy wife and mother, who can do all the things that normal wifes and mothers do. Every little thing that we do as a family shouldn't be so devastatingly difficult. I wish so badly that I could do more for them, but I know that no one could ever love them like I do. I hope they know that they are my whole world and I will give every ounce of what little energy I have to make their lives better. They are my miracles. They are everything that I've ever wanted in life.
My life with Matt began on April 18th, 2002. We were married in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. Sadly, I don't remember much about that day because I was in a mono induced fatigue fog, but I do remember feeling extremely happy. It was raining, but the clouds blew past and the sun came out just long enough to take pictures on the temple grounds. It was a beautiful experience, everything I had always hoped for. After we were married, we moved into a small town home in Nampa, Idaho. I continued to rest for a couple of months until one day, I remember I was so relieved because I actually had enough energy to mow a lawn. I felt like I was finally getting back to normal. I started applying and interviewing for jobs, I was feeling a lot better, but unfortunately that didn't last long.
In July, 2002 we found out I was pregnant. We were pretty overwhelmed, but very excited. Immediately the morning sickness hit and hit hard, I don't know why it's called "morning" sickness, I was throwing up many times throughout the day. The first trimester came and went, but still the morning sickness stayed. Then the first of many bizarre medical problems occured. One day after I had gone in for a routine blood draw for labs, as I returned home I took off the bandage and noticed a tiny dark line forming under my skin just above the puncture sight. I didnt think much of it. Over the next couple of days, the line became thicker and darker, a dark bruise began to form and spread up my arm. My entire arm began to swell to the point that I couldn't move it out of the 45° angle it was stuck in. It was very painful to touch and impossible to unbend. This all happened while Matt and I were on our late honeymoon to the Oregan Coast. When we got home, the bruising was all the way up my arm and almost moving into my chest. I didn't know what was going on. The bruise and swelling finally started to dissipate. The doctor said it was a hematoma (my blood hadn't clotted after the blood draw and had continued to bleed under the skin), but didn't know why it had gotten so bad. This was my first "didn't know" response of many.
As the pregnancy progressed, I continued to be very sick, I blamed it all on the pregnancy and still planned on feeling better after the baby was born. As time went on, I went in for my glucose test and it was discovered that I had developed gestational diabetes. I began strictly enforcing the proper diet and was able to keep my blood sugar within the normal range of 80-140 for the most part and was fortunate enough not to require insulin. This new ailment and the constant, multiple times a day, finger pricking required to test my blood sugars added more to my shock as I continued to be catapulted from my previous excellent health into more and more health problems. I took comfort in the fact that it would only be temporary and thankfully the diabetes did go away after I delivered the baby. (I have a dear friend with type 1 diabetes and she is amazing! I love and admire her so much.)
The symptoms I remember experiencing most at that time were nausea and vomiting, excessive thirst, extreme fatigue, lack of energy, and frequent urination; all common symptoms of pregnancy and gestational diabetes so I wasn't worried about the future, I was just very sick in the present and taking it a day at a time. I continue to do that today (10 years later with those symptoms and many more), sometimes I take it by the day and sometimes by the minute. Its too devastating and overwhelming to look too far ahead into the future and try to imagine how you will ever be able to deal with such crippling illness for that long. Its a mind over body battle everyday to continue to move forward and function and push, push, push to do the smallest thing. Some days I win and I get to do a little housework and run the kids to baseball before collapsing in pain and utter exhaustion, but some days the illness knocks me down so flat that I am rendered completely useless; as if to show me that I have no control over my body no matter how much I try or will myself to do something. I'm so grateful that tomorrow always comes and I have to hold on to the hope that one day I will feel better.
You made me cry. Love you too! Keep holding on!
ReplyDeleteI just cannot imagine this. You are amazing.
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